Through Muddled Glass
by K823
Summary: People generally see what they want to see, and with James, it's no different. But then he starts growing distant and there's something wrong. So what happened the summer before Fifth Year to make him so cold? An introspective look at a teenager trying to grow into his own person, and his relationships. AU, somewhat a series of moments in time.


**Important Author's Note: Hello and welcome to Through Muddled Glass! This is a different kind of James and Lily story, so, prepare for that. Aside from following the characters from fifth – seventh year, the chapters themselves won't necessarily be in chronological order, but it does all tie together, as they're part of the same universe. Snippets in time, you should think of it as. Warning, somewhat OOC James, and the point of view will shift from first to third person several times throughout the story. Hopefully, you all won't get confused as we progress further.**

 **Disclaimer: Nothing here that you recognize is mine. Some names and characters might be.**

 **Chapter One – I Miss You**

* * *

There was something wrong with Potter. There had to be. After all, there was no way he was sitting alone in a corner by himself when Gryffindor had just won the match against Hufflepuff, 370-120. Hufflepuff had been absolutely clobbered.

I stared at him, which, crazily enough, hadn't been the first time this year. Ever since Summer holidays, Potter had been... different, withdrawn, almost as if he was guarding himself.

 _'Merlin knows that hasn't stopped him from pulling pranks and getting detention every week_ ' I thought to myself bitterly, pushing away the red hair that had fallen into my eyes.

But looking at him, as he sat there in front of the fireplace, the party carrying on with great fervor around him, I would've thought we lost and this was a "drink-our-sorrows-away" party had I not been at the game myself.

"Lily!" A voice called, shaking me out of my stupor. Which was good, I didn't need to spend any more time thinking about Potter. He had harassed me enough the past four years, and well into our fifth year, with his constant announcements he would someday win my heart.

Snorting quietly to myself, I turned to Marlene McKinnon, one of my best friends, as she bounded up to me enthusiastically. I breathed. Then paused.

"Are you _drunk?"_ I almost shouted, but managed to contain to a deafening roar.

She grinned tipsily at me. "C'mon Lils, I know you don't approve of it, but it's great that you didn't try to stop it, even after that _delicious_ Head Boy said it was alright!"

 _'Only because everyone else would've drank anyways,'_ I thought moodily, as Marlene continued on about how _sexy_ and _ravishing_ Stebbins was. Rolling my eyes, I found myself focused once more on Potter.

Should I talk to him? He looked so morose, almost upset about something if the listless gaze he was giving the floor in front of him was any indication. His admittedly bright and attractive hazel eyes were dim and dull, barely glancing in any direction but down, even as the couch he had managed to procure was jostled by Sirius Black and his newest fling slobbering drunkenly over each other.

 _'Bad thoughts Evans! He's only doing it to get your attention!'_

Angrily shaking whatever thoughts about James Potter-and his attractiveness- away, I turned back to Marlene, despite the gnawing feeling growing in my stomach that something was _seriously_ wrong.

 _'Of course there's something wrong, you were thinking about talking to the prick! And how attractive he was!'_

Still, as I paid half an ear to Marlene's drunken raving about Stebbins, I saw Remus Lupin clap his hand on James' shoulder, squeezing it, before asking if he was alright. Of course, with how rowdy and _fucking_ loud the common room currently was, I was guessing that was what he had asked. Of course Remus would ask his best mate that, he was a decent bloke, I definitely preferred him out of the rest of the Marauders.

Peter was decent enough, but too quiet, and plain weird. Sirius was an absolute womanizer, and a pig to boot, almost worst than Potter. I won't even talk about Potter.

"James! Where are you going!" I heard Remus' voice shout.

I turned my attention back to Potter.

He was leaving the party? Had the world turned on its head? Potter and his friends never missed a chance to absolutely destroy our common room with their rambunctiousness. In fact, most of the upper years had acknowledged the Marauders as the future "party planners" of Gryffindor.

Kill me.

He did look pretty upset earlier, should I go talk to him?

 _'Risk another one of his attempts to ask you to Hogsmeade, Evans? Masochistic much, aren't we?'_

 _'Shut up, it's what a proper prefect would do'_ I responded back to the voice inside my head, furthering my argument that I was bonkers, the first reason being that I was about to go talk to _Potter_.

"Lily! Why are you ignoring me!" a shrill voice shrieked in my ear, ensuring I would no longer hear again, and I turned my gaze back to see bright blue eyes eerily close to my own.

"Gah! Marlene, what the hell!" I exclaimed, trying to still my racing heart.

"You were ignoring me! What, may I ask, is so important that... oh.. _oh,"_ she trailed off, following my gaze just to see Potter's rear end exit the common room.

Oh no. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. She's going to get the wrong idea. I waited with bated breath, praying to whatever deity existed that she wasn't going to assume I was checking Potter out. As she gave me the most shit-eating grin I had ever seen, I abandoned all attempts at praying to what was obviously a non-existent being.

"Oh Lils, I knew you'd fall for James one day. Him and his hair, and that bloody perfect arse and-"

"Okay, leaving now! Bye Marlene!" I interrupted her, not wanting to hear more about bloody Potter. His ego was large enough as it was. Why couldn't Alice be here?

Oh wait, she was in the hospital wing with Frank, because he took a bludger to the head.

Damn inconsiderate boyfriends, getting hurt and making me go talk to the bane of my existence. Alice _liked_ Potter and his group. Why couldn't _she_ do it? Why do I have to do it when I'm the one getting leered at by the bullying toerag?

 _'Breathe Lily, it's okay, just see what's wrong, and leave,'_ I chanted in my mind like a mantra, ignoring Marlene's insistence that I come back, and headed further into my doom.

* * *

After a few minutes of walking, I was about ready to give up. My flats were giving me blisters from being in them all day, and I was really only doing this to be nice, and because I was a prefect. It wasn't like we were friends, far from it in fact.

"Why couldn't Remus have done this, Potter is his friend," I groused to myself, before stopping short.

Was that whispering? I followed the noise until I heard a few jumbled words, and then-

"I miss you."

Holding back a shriek, I instead jumped a foot in the air and turned around, huffing, ready to lash into Potter for scaring me when-

He wasn't looking at me? Then who was he talking to? Unfortunately he seemed to realize my presence and shifted from where he had apparently been sitting down., gazing up at me with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Ah, hullo Evans, came to check up on dear old me?" he said with a ghost of his usual smirk, interlaced with something I couldn't quite identify.

"As if," I responded, huffing moodily. "I saw you leave Potter, and I wanted stop whatever prank I'm sure you were planning on. Unless the prank was you telling air you missed it, because that's under your usual standard."

I know, I'm so witty, right? I waited for his response, only, none came. What the hell? He always partook in banter with me, something that infuriated and amused me at the same time. Infuriating because he knew which buttons to push- really, all he had to do was talk- and amusing because he was at least intelligent enough to banter with.

"Erm, Potter," I started slowly, "I'm waiting for a response. What are you doing here?"

"Didn't know I answered to you, Evans."

"So who do you answer to then? Ghosts? Because only the loonies talk to themselves Potter," I retorted back, annoyed that I had decided to waste my time with the git. "Don't make me give you another detention, you've already four this week, and it's almost past curfew"

Potter sat for a minute, still looking at me with that damn unreadable expression on his face, before standing so suddenly I had to take a step back.

"Sometimes Evans, you've got to start minding your own damn business."

 _I needed to what now?_

"What's wrong Potter? Upset you couldn't get another goal in to attract more attention to your great, big head? Or did that broomstick finally get shoved up your arse!" I shot back, feeling my face flush with anger.

He kept staring at me with his brown, gold-flecked eyes, and almost visibly, I saw something behind them close like shutters, but not before almost a thousand, unspoken, unknown words passed from his stony gaze to my wide, enraged ones.

With visible effort, he sighed and ruffled his hair, to my annoyance. That was where the normalcy ended.

"I'm sorry Evans, I don't feel up to this today," he muttered, turning away.

Who was he and where was James Potter. I voiced my thoughts and he barked out a harsh, cold laugh that just sounded _wrong_ coming from the normally jaunty teenager. It was enough to deflate my anger.

"Think you know me so well, eh, Evans?" was the amused response. Nice of you to come back, rage.

Sucking in air through my teeth, I practically spat out "Since you've been bothering me for four years, and you're still acting like a prick in the fifth year of our knowing each other, I'd say I know you pretty damn well, you arrogant arsehole!"

Still nothing? No rage or sarcasm? And why was he looking at me with such intensity? Were we in an alternate universe where I was the immature one and he some how grew up?

Finally, he spoke. "You know Lily," here, he said my name with such raw emotion that I couldn't help but feel guilty. "You know Potter, but do you really know James?"

My retort died on my tongue as he gave me such a remorseful, painfully _wounded_ look that I had a feeling wasn't wholly directed at me, but still brought out a rare, confused emotion of guilt in me. Rare when dealing with Potter, anyways.

"Look Potter-"

"Forget I said anything Lily." This time, there was such raw anguish in his his voice that I took another step back. Was this because of me? Had I honestly hurt him? We've had worse rows and he always bounced back. This was _tame_ by comparison.

So why was I feeling like something was out of place? I got my answer as he turned back around, his standard arrogant smirk plastering across his face as he mussed his hair up again. Almost as if he was doing it because it was _expected_.

His gaze bored into me as he stepped back from me, still with an unidentifiable emotion. "I'll make you mine someday, Evans."

Turning, he went back in the direction of the common room, and I was left standing there, not protesting or arguing as I was wont to do when such a proclamation was made.

His eyes, normally so bright, and filled with hapless emotion, had been so cold and dead.

As a sudden chill swept through my body, I went back towards the Common Room, mulling over the- was it an arugment?- in my head.

There was something going on with Potter, and I needed to find out what.

* * *

A/N: So what did you guy's think of the first chapter? Let me know in the reviews. This is obviously AU, and some events will be changed, along with when certain events happened. Some details are going to be kept vague on purpose, and some questions won't be answered until a much later chapter.


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